Amelia and I decided to start doing a Bible Study over Christmas break because we both have been struggling lately and it'll be good for us. We decided to start with the book of James. We started with chapter one today since it was the first full day of break.
"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Do not be deceived, my dear brothers." James 1: 13-16.
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:19
"Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." James 1:21
Lately, I've been having a major issue with temptation. Not sexual temptation, but a temptation to behave in a way that is not something my Savior and my God would be happy with. I have been struggling with cutting. I did it on December 4th and again on December 5th. I have no done it since. It has been a struggle. But by being completely transparent about this issue it has been possible for me not to do it. I opened up to three people about this plus all of the people on here and a forum for mental health issues for young adults/adults and my tumblr account. It has been hard owning up to the fact that I hurt myself. It has also been hard to stop. But God did not tempt me to do this. God does not want me hurting myself. He doesn't want me hurting at all. God loves me. God doesn't think this is appropriate behavior for me. This violation of my skin is all on me. I could have and should have called out to God about my PTSD and my depression and my break up with Daryl and my desire to self-harm. Only God could save me from myself. Only God can help me with my issues. But since I've felt so far away from God lately it has been so hard to just ask for the help I need. I never considered the idea that by asking for God's help I am finding my way back into his presence and back into his arms. I am also having an issue of dealing with a friend of mine. A friend of mine and I have been talking a lot over the past few days. I assumed that getting to know each other better meant that we could fix the past mistakes. Turns out every night is a fight and every day isn't. It is hard and it tempts me to get very angry, very quickly. Also, he and I are very different. I never realized just how different until we spoke today. He wants me to become more vulgar in my language and in my thoughts because he thinks it's weird that I'm not. In a way it seems like he's trying to pull me away from God. Um, how about no? Because I dated a jerk who tried to do the same thing. Only at the time I didn't see what was happening. Now I do. And I won't allow it. My relationship with God may not be where it should be right now. But you aren't going to break into my relationship with God simply because you think my behavior is weird. Okay, according to society's standards, my behavior is weird. But it is supposed to be weird. I'm not supposed to fit into this world. I am meant to stand out by my different behavior because of my love for God and Christ in me. And wow that turned into a rant. Ha. I'm sorry.
I am having an issue with my anger. I think it mostly comes from my PTSD because that is a symptom of it, but sometimes I don't even try to control my anger. I just let it take over. Because being angry means I don't have to be sad or hurt or any other negative emotion. I can turn my anger onto someone and be on the attack and feel good about the fact that I'm not the one hurting in the situation. It's terrible. I hate that about me. I think that's one of the worst qualities I have. How horrible of a person am I? But I think if I try to reign in my anger and then rely on God, it'll all get better. Because when I've relied on God for control of my anger in the past then it has gotten better. So, I need to remember to focus on him when it comes to that anger.
I have a hard time kicking people out of my life who need it. Especially if they try to stay. It seems to me that they care whenever this happens. And it's hard for me to let go of people who seem to care about me. But in reality, these people who cling to me might not be doing so for the right reason and they might not be any good for my spiritual walk with Christ. I tried to kick my friend out of my life yesterday. The one who thinks my purity is so weird? I tried to make him leave my life and not come back. He clung on so much. It touched my heart because I thought it showed he cared. I ended up saying that I was sorry and accepting that maybe they should still be in my life if they care so much. Now I see that it's something I need to learn how to do so that I can continually do it for people who try to corrupt my relationship with God. It'll be hard. But it's necessary to save my relationship with God. That should be the most important thing for me from now until the end of eternity. No friends are more important than God in my life. Or that's the way it should be. That's not how it is now. I need to find a way to shift my priorities because they're not okay right now.
What do I do?
1 comment:
The fact that he clung so much to you and made you say you're sorry, sounds a lot like Daniel. No one should control you life like that. I think you'll just need to stop talking to him. That's the only advice I can give you right now, because I'm sure I would have a hard time getting away from him as you are.
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