Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep

Post by Isabella-

It is amazing how you can sit down for two seconds and realize just how messed up you truly are.

I sat down for a few minutes today and just thought about who I am and it's amazing how many things are wrong with me.

First, you have the funny stuff: my food issues, walking like a penguin when I get excited, the funny voices I make.

And then you have the messed up stuff: I have PTSD, I have trust issues, I get twitchy when I'm alone with someone when we're not in a public place, I am paranoid, I have a problem with people touching me unexpectedly--like if I don't see you coming up and you tap me on the shoulders. I am so not normal.

When I walk alone at night, I put my cell phone in one hand and my keys in between the fingers of my other. When I meet someone I don't know for the first time, I keep a close eye on them until I decide that I have nothing to worry about. I don't like having my back to a door, ever. I don't like people walking behind me. I don't like being in large groups. It's like I'm always prepared for an attack. It's like I always expect something to happen to me. I'm always on my guard.

How do I stop being on my guard??? How do I shut that down? How do I make myself normal again? Whatever "normal" is for me anymore...

I used to boast that I had no fear. I could do whatever, whenever. It didn't matter. Now, I'm so afraid of so much. That's not normal. That's never going to be normal. It's not okay for me to be afraid of my own shadow. Not when I used to be fearless.




I guess I'll explain something I do every night when I wake up from a nightmare-
Count down from five-
5. I am laying down with my head on a pillow. 4. My foot is sticking out of the comforter. 3. The T.V. is still on. 2. The A.C. just came on. 1. I am alone. I am safe.
Then I know everything's okay. Take a deep breath and try to go back to bed.

Roommate, you have such a messed up roommate.