Post by Isabella-
I'm not the type of person who would run away from things that bother me. Usually, I confront them head on. Sometimes it's for the best. Sometimes, for the worst. But that feeling's been creeping up my legs for the past day or so now.
When things get really rough for me mentally, I tend to want to confront or run. Fight or flight. Most of the time I fight. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I'm sucked under the pain and anguish. The nightmares and the flashbacks. There have been very few times I wanted to run. Far. The time I wanted to switch schools in the middle of junior year of college, but didn't. The time I had packed my duffle bag the summer between high school and college, but didn't go anywhere. Now.
Things have been going well. I finished three books in three days. I have been preparing to go back to school. I've been having fewer nightmares per night. Then today happened. I was taking a break from reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins to eat lunch at my computer while I check my e-mail. Then I hear the movie my mom is watching in the same room. A guy is yelling at his fiancee for spend a few hundred dollars of their wedding money on helping crippled children who were sitting on the street corner. He was wanting a necklace he gave her back so that he could use it for the couple of hundred dollars she spent. She refused to give it back. Then the screaming started. She was backing out of the room while he advanced on her. All that I could see was yelling and screaming and advancing and backing up. I freaked. I screamed at my mom to change the channel. She wouldn't. She didn't know why I was so upset and kept trying to talk to me while the people on the screen were yelling and advancing and pulling their hand back and cowering... I ran out of the room.
I eventually went back to the front room and yelled at my mom. I shouted about "yeah, I don't know what about that scene could possibly have upset me." She eventually said "I'm sorry. I didn't know." I explained that she should have just respected what I was, well, shouting, at her about changing the channel. She talked about how she's not a mind reader and didn't understand what was going on and how she was sorry she upset me. She said something about how she forgot. To which I replied, "because you don't live with it every day."
This is the worst--I don't even know what to call it--I've had in a long time. Episode? Flashback? Trigger? I don't know. I'm kind of freaked out about that. I'm afraid to go to bed now. I don't want to have nightmares. I'm sure I will have bad ones tonight.
I don't know much these days. This is a pretty depressing post. I'll do better next time. Promise. *holds out pinky for a pinky promise*
2 comments:
I really hate that you are going through this. I can't even imagine what it feels like. I tend to run when someone yells at me, but my experiences are different from yours. The only thing I can do for you is give you a hug next time I see you.
It's hard, but every day isn't that bad. Like the other night I had a dream that I liked a guy who rejected me. So much better than the violent dreams. It's just a matter of letting stuff roll off my shoulders when I can.
Post a Comment